John never did get it. The sexual stuff, I mean. Like how I wanted him to tie me up. How I wanted to be helpless. I wanted him to use me, use my "holes", all of them, for his gratification. Put anything you want inside of me, I said to him. Treat me dirty.
Out on the street I hail a cab. He drops me at the café specified in my instructions. I go inside and wait, checking my watch every few minutes. Some of the men stare at me. I think they must know what I’m doing. I think that everybody knows. It’s written all over me in big, red lettering. PERVERT. But the men smile at me hopefully when I meet their eyes. I see they’re watching my nipples, hard, stimulated by the tight top that I’m wearing. My thoughts are filled with the images of being whipped, slapped, spanked, hung upside down. I want my nipples pulled, pinched, pierced. I want to be penetrated, filled, fucked. I want him to take everything.
My cell phone rings. I jump, then grope in my purse.
"A car is waiting outside on the street. A black Camry with dark windows. Enter through the rear car door."
He hangs up. Was that his voice, the one who’s going to finally do what I’ve always wanted? I tremble. I think I might get sick again, but it passes. And now I feel odd. I feel electric. I’m burning. My skirt is drenched. It’s sticking to the back of my thighs. My lips are numb, but my nipples hurt. They’re so clenched, so painfully wanting whatever he’s decides to do with me. I’m on the street, looking. I don’t know a Camry from a Corvette. A car is double parked on 8th Avenue right in front of me. I can’t see into the car. I wait for a moment, but the car doesn’t move. So I walk forward and open the rear door. A woman is driving. Her face is turned away from me.
"Excuse me. . ."
"You were not instructed to speak," she says.
I bite my lip. My knees go weak. I take the final step. No going back now. I sit in the car and shut the door. She drives.
"In the bag on the seat, you’ll find a gag, a hood, and handcuffs." She’s wearing sunglasses. All I can see is the back of her head and the dark glasses in the rear view mirror. "You will put the gag in first. If it is not tight enough when he checks you over, you will be punished. After you have the gag in, the hood goes on. Then you will handcuff yourself with your hands behind your back."
I feel a drip of sweat run between my breasts. I swallow.
"Am I not making myself clear?"
"No. . .I mean, yes." My voice is too loud. I try to calm myself.
"Put in the gag now," she says.
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约翰始终没明白。我是说，性方面的事情。比如，我想要他把我绑起来。我想要那种无助的感觉。我想要他占有我，占有我的“洞”，所有的洞，来满足他的欲望。我对他说，你想把什么都放进我身体里。把我弄脏。

我在街上拦了一辆出租车。他把我送到我指示的咖啡馆。我进去等着，每隔几分钟就看一次表。有些男人盯着我看。我想他们肯定知道我在做什么。我想每个人都知道。我的一举一动都像用鲜红的大字写着：变态。但当我与他们目光相接时，他们满怀希望地对我微笑。我看到他们在盯着我的乳头，它们挺立着，被我穿的紧身衣刺激着。我的脑海里充满了被鞭打、被扇耳光、被拍打屁股、被倒吊起来的画面。我想要我的乳头被拉扯、被掐捏、被穿环。我想被贯穿，被填满，被操。我想让他占有我的一切。

我的手机响了。我吓了一跳，然后摸索着掏出包。

“街边停着一辆车。一辆黑色凯美瑞，深色车窗。请从后门上车。”

他挂断了电话。那是他的声音吗？那个终于要满足我一直以来渴望的人？我颤抖着。我觉得我又要吐了，但很快就过去了。现在我感觉很奇怪。我感觉浑身触电。我像着了火一样。我的裙子湿透了。它黏在我的大腿后侧。我的嘴唇麻木了，但乳头却很痛。它们紧紧地夹着，痛苦地渴望着他要对我做的一切。我站在街上，四处张望。我分不清凯美瑞和克尔维特。一辆车双排停在第八大道上，就在我正前方。我看不到车里的情况。我等了一会儿，车子却没动。于是我走上前去，打开后车门。一个女人在开车，她的脸背对着我。

“打扰一下……”

“你没被允许说话。”她说。

我咬着嘴唇，双腿发软。我迈出最后一步，已经没有回头路了。我坐进车里，关上车门。她开车走了。

“座位上的袋子里有口塞、头罩和手铐。”她戴着墨镜，我只能从后视镜里看到她的后脑勺和墨镜。“你先戴上口塞。如果他检查你的时候发现口塞不够紧，你会受到惩罚。戴好口塞后，再戴上头罩。然后，你把自己的双手反铐在背后。”

我感到一滴汗水顺着胸口流了下来，我咽了口唾沫。

“我说的还不够清楚吗？”

“不……我是说，是的。”我的声音太大了。我努力让自己冷静下来。

“现在把口塞塞上，”她说。

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